


I'm willing to let go

by jperalta



Category: Prodigal Son (TV 2019)
Genre: Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:27:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21834421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jperalta/pseuds/jperalta
Summary: I often think about (and rewatch shh) that scene from 1x1 where Malcolm first discloses he's Martin's son and tells the guy he deserves the pain from that vial and the guy almost does it to him..Anyway I think about that scene a lot and wanted to expand on it just a bit. Really short. Maybe oneshot maybe not who knows anymore.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 76





	I'm willing to let go

He had been so close this time. Death had been one pinprick away. As the man with the vial was shot, Malcolm felt his own legs give out. He had been so damn close. He kept seeing flashes of his father in his brain and he wanted more than anything to reach out to the vial and do it himself. He heard Dani scurry over to him. _Hey, hey_. And felt her hold him as he sunk to the floor. _You okay? You okay?_ Her touch was bringing him back to this horrible reality he was expected to continue to live in. _You weren't gonna let him do that to you, right? Right?_ She sounded angry - how dare he put himself in harm's way like that. 

He swallowed and tried his best to steady his voice for her. _Of course not. That'd be crazy._ She stood up and left as he was left there kneeling on the ground. And of course that was all he could think of. That he was crazy. That he was more than willing not just to die for someone else, but to die in general. He wasn't actively taking any steps or anything definitive towards taking his own life, but he definitely was hoping it would happen - praying it would happen, constantly putting his life in danger hoping it would all end, and that to the people who somehow loved him, they could believe it was all some tragic accident. But of course the people who somehow loved him - his mother, Ainsley, Gil, maybe even Dani - knew what he was doing, and always tried to stop him. Like anytime he held a gun - God how he ached for it. His fingers wrapped around a trigger he could so easily pull. Like a snap and all the pain would be gone. He was just so goddamn tired all the time. Tired from hardly sleeping, tired from always living in fear of when his mind would send his body into shock - yet still filled with such a manic energy almost constantly. They told him he should sleep but they knew he couldn't. How could they tease him about it that way?

He felt his limbs rattling, felt Gil's glance on him, and stared at the vial. He deserved that pain, he had said. And he believed it. Maybe he could convince everyone that he had just been doing or saying what he did as a distraction, but he couldn't hide everything forever. He felt a twist in his stomach and wanted to get sick. Everything was blurring and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't manage to catch his breath. Gil knew. He always sensed everything. He came over and knelt in front of Malcolm, shoving his gun away. Malcolm stared at it, imagined grabbing it away from Gil, jumping into the next room, shoving it into his mouth and pulling the trigger. But Gil could see him eyeing it, and buttoned his jacket closed. Malcolm could feel his eyes pressing against him, and he tried his best to look away. Gil just looked him over as he saw this boy he cared for so deeply panting on the ground after another brush with death. He put his hand on Malcolm's arm, and Malcolm tried to lean into the touch, tried to remember that these people are there for him - to help him and look out for him since he won't do it himself. _What are you thinking, Malcolm?_ He asked it quietly, gently, as if he already knew and just wanted Malcolm to say it out loud.

More tears fell from Malcolm's eyes. _I wish he had done it._ He began to sob now, completely on the ground, his head against his legs and his arms wrapped around his ears. _I wish he had killed me. I wish I was dead._ He sobbed more. 

Gil put his hand on Malcolm's back and rubbed it as the room emptied out. _I know._ Malcolm's cries filled the hollow room. _I know._ He pulled Malcolm into his arms and felt Malcolm's body quiver against his. Gil put his hand in Malcolm's hair, clutched his head as tightly as he could, not wanting to let him go as Malcolm continued to sob into his shoulder.


End file.
